i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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