ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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