I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
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Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
there is puke in my bra ... again
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