My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
