I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
