she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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