Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
