The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
