if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
