this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
