guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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