he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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