The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize