I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
