I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
