why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
