I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
