Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
