You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't deserve a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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