I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
