I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
