The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am available for nakedness
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
