broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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