I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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