why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Watching her eat just hurts me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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