He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
