3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
