His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
