If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
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Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.