your room smells of hookers.
And success
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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