my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i need to put some appletini on your dick
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me