i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want to make out with him forever
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
