Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
