First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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