i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
