Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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