I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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