Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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