There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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