he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
