I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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