You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
