sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
