Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Reggie can tackle my bush.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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