I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
