I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
