pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
