I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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