Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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