life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
