I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
