eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
