I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i came on her dog
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
