All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
