I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
