i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I FOUND THE LEGS
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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