This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
