be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
