I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize