fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
