and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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